


Lemon Trees

by laeb



Category: Actors RPF, Real Person Fiction, The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Angst, Happy Gollum-muse, M/M, multiple POVs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-10-13
Updated: 2003-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23062675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laeb/pseuds/laeb
Summary: Memories of everything are lemon trees on Mercury. (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Relationships: Ian McKellen/Nick, Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen, Sean Bean/Elijah Wood





	Lemon Trees

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: Mormegil, Jades and Kelly. Thank you ladies for the great input. It was more than useful. *hugs* :D All mistakes left are mine!
> 
> Dedication: Stef, whom I miss; the DoD group’s members, for keeping me (in)sane: Shel, Drow, Dhvana, Mormegil, Laura, Paddy (Lucius) and Matt (‘I’m Evil’ Spike), Angelus, amongst others. Preserving one’s (in)sanity has never been so beautifully done. I thank thee all.
> 
> I wrote this for the Two Lines fanfic challenge. Two lines from a song to set us in the mood to write the fic or whatever. I don’t know the song, I never listened to it, I haven’t even read its entire lyrics. Me bad.
> 
> Originally published on my lj in June 2004, Retro-posted to AO3 in March 2020. Happy to report my musical tastes have improved in the meantime and I have since become a massive fan of Depeche Mode. :)

** _Lemon Trees_ **

*~*~*  
  
~~~you take me to / and lead me through oblivion~~~  
~Depeche Mode  
  
*~*~*  
  
I used to say it was because of you that I am what I’ve become. I used to think you were responsible for the lack of confidence, the vulnerable state I’ve found meself in. After all, it was because of you that I first started to question my sexuality, who I was, and what I wanted to be.  
  
How I hated you for that. You made me feel so unlike anything I’d ever felt before. You had no idea. Though, at some point, you did, didn’t you? After all, you *did* ask me why I was avoiding you every moment we weren’t needed together on the set. But I managed to make you think it was just in your head. That I did not intend to make you feel like that.  
  
You believed me. You wanted to believe me, I think. Thinking about it, now, I’m quite sure you’d have believed anything I told you. Back then, you had good reasons to think I wasn’t lying. After all, I wasn’t on the set as often as everyone else. I was going through a hard episode in my personal life. You, of course, understood all that.  
  
You got the message and you left me alone. And, believe it or not, I was happy, cos in a way, I thought it would help me to forget you. But then you decided you’d act as though you felt nothing too, and you went to see the other hobbits. And even the elf. You felt quite better after that, didn’t you? I knew it, I only had to take one look at your face to see it all. But underneath, I could also sense that you were hurt. And so I did all I could to forget you.  
  
You remember that, right?  
  
I even managed to direct this anger and madness I was feeling into my character. I actually *did* scare the shite out of you when we shot the Fall of Rauros scene between the two of us, didn’t I? Between takes you took your distance from me, going to Peter, to ask what should be changed, what we could do to enhance the sequence. And Peter was gushing all over the way your eyes shone, how scared you looked, how convincing you were on film. And you didn’t need to see the tape to know he was telling you the truth. You *were* frightened. Because of me. Weren’t you?  
  
But I didn’t want to give a fuck. All I wanted was to forget, to erase you from my memory. I only wanted to get my former life back. The life that was easy for me, where nothing was too complicated, and there were no questions to ask.  
  
I fucked up big time, didn’t I?  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
You know Ian, when Lijah first came to see me, with tears in his eyes, I didn’t know who it was who had done that, but I wanted to kill him –or her- anyway. For hurting Doodle. I mean, no one should hurt him, he wouldn’t hurt any of us. Not one. But then Viggo called me and I was at a loss. A very distressed Sean was at his place and he didn’t know what to do. He was seeking my help. Beanie was just there, like a zombie, not reacting to any comments Viggo was making.  
  
And Viggo wanted his friend’s help. He was clueless and so was I. I couldn’t really help Viggo without it meaning that I was willing to act ‘against’ Doodle. And Doodle had reached out for me, here. But I couldn’t tell that to Viggo. I mean, I could have told him, but, for reasons I still don’t understand, I couldn’t. It would have meant betraying Lijah’s trust in me. At least, that’s the way I saw it then, I guess.  
  
But Vig didn’t understand and excused himself for disturbing me, very coldly in fact, and hung up the phone. And I thought I’d just fucked up a great friendship, a relationship I had put high hopes on back then, for the sake of another wonderful friendship. Life’s a bitch, but you know that, Ian, don’t you? I mean, you’ve been through it all at least twice thus far, right?  
  
That’s what I thought. I excused myself cos I had something else to take care of. And as silly as it sounds, I had a hard time not showing Elijah that I was holding it against him for a while. Viggo became so much colder with me, it was fucking hard not to explain everything to him, just to get a warm smile once more. I missed those.  
  
I *did* fuck up big time. What can I do now?  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
I can’t help but relive everything you’re telling me. It fucking hurts to listen to you and not be able to explain my view of what happened, but I swore that for once, I’d keep my big mouth shut and that I’d let you talk.  
  
Is it my fault? Is it really my fault? I still wonder. I never meant to upset you so, you should know that. But you say that even though you accused me of being responsible for everything in the past; that you’ve thought about it and that you’ve changed your mind. That you understand you were wrong. Still, it hurts. Like nothing else before, I think. ‘Cause I do care about you, Sean, I so do care about you.  
  
I’ve never wanted to hurt you.  
  
Anyway, I feel guilty. I wish… I wish you’d never had to meet me. I wish you’d never had to work with me. That you’d never had fallen for me. But it hurts to wish such things. I wish them only because I feel it’s what you want. And all I want for you is the best. And if the best is without me, then so be it. I’ll live… I think. After all, I did manage to live through it, the first time I felt you wanted me to get out of your life. Fucking hurt to do that, but I did.  
  
And I survived. Cuz of the hobbits’n’Orli. They kept me sane, Sean. You don’t know it, but they kept me sane. Orli did that, even more than the others. I think I’ll owe the elf boy all my life cuz of that. He was the keeper of my sanity.  
  
We became close, I even managed to get him in bad terms with Viggo, though he never admitted that fact to me, I just saw it. That’s why he’s even more of a good friend, only a close friend would do that, at the sake of another dear friendship.  
  
They fucked up big time because of me.  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
  
You think of all these feelings disturbing you, like phantoms would a haunted house. You still don’t understand why it is that you ignore Orlando. He didn’t do anything to you. All he said was that he was taking care of something else. You didn’t bother asking him what it was exactly he was doing and were just… taken aback that he said ‘No’. It’d never happened before. And never happened after that, you remind yourself. Why? Because you never asked anything else, remember?  
  
You were helpless and slightly taken aback when Sean showed up, but was it a reason to be so irrational with your friend? You don’t think so and still blush in shame when you think about it. The less the better, isn’t it?  
  
But you managed to comfort Sean, though you were never told what had exactly happened to put him in this state. He always clamped like an oyster when you tried to make him speak and so you finally decided to just shut up.  
  
Apparently, though, you’ve managed to help in a way or another, ‘cause you see him now and he looks much better –even better than you, you realise. Not completely back to the state he was, but better. You wonder if he might be in love.  
  
You’d understand. You’ve been through a friendly divorce with one child, over ten years ago. He’s been through THREE ugly divorces with three daughters from more than a mother within the last decade. You’d be fuckin’ frightened too, if it happened to you.  
  
Shit. Don’t you remember? You *are* frightened too. You’re in love. Or so you think. But it hurts.  
  
You fucked it up big time.  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
Ian looked at himself in his bedroom mirror. Nick was somewhere off in Wellington, shopping or something alike. Not that it mattered a lot at the moment.  
  
He was worried about chemistry on the set. Bean and Elijah were avoiding each other and things seemed to be colder than Alaska between Viggo and Orlando.  
  
Actually, Orlando had just left after spending a part of his evening in Ian’s flat, unburdening himself from the feelings that were tearing him apart. The poor lad had said it himself, “ Life’s a bitch, but you know that, Ian, don’t you? I mean, you’ve been through it all at least twice thus far, right?”  
  
Yeah, right. But things had settled and he was now living a boring and uneventful life. Which delighted him, because he was now able to spend his time on some other person’s problems, which was far from being a burden to him, as they were not his in the first place.  
  
But this time he felt helpless. One problem at a time he would have been pleased to try solving, but having four of his co-stars in such a spider web? He didn’t think he could do much. Just listen. And be there. He didn’t even dare advise his friend as he didn’t know the whole affair.  
  
All he could do was wish that things would change for the better. And soon. Or things would fuck up big time.  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
You know what I did to forget? I went to Viggo. I didn’t tell him anything, I just went to him.  
  
And as far as I can tell, from that moment on, things changed between him and Orli. You noticed, didn’t you? I think you have. I think *we’re* the reason there’s something wrong between those two and that’s why I finally went to you. You went to Orlando, right?  
  
I think I can figure it out now, but nonetheless, it took me about 2 months to open my eyes.  
  
Yes, deep inside, I found meself and I answered all those questions I’d been wondering about. Some answers I didn’t like, some I tolerated, others I completely loathed and very few I was happy about. But this mustn’t surprise you much, I guess.  
  
I think you know me better than I ever knew meself ‘til now, Elijah.  
  
I’m still scared shitless, mind you, but I think I’ve come to a sorta peace with my inner self. I still don’t understand everything it wants to do with me, but I feel ok.  
  
I’m fucking sorry for what I did, I acted like a twat and there’s nothing to excuse the way I behaved towards you. That’s why I won’t ask, you know. I wouldn’t dare. I have more class than that, I think.  
  
That’s all I wanted to tell you, Elijah. I mean, thanks for listening just like I asked, it’s selfish of me to say this, but I feel better now. I just hope I didn’t ruin everything and that Orlando and Viggo will be able to go back to what they had without too much damage.  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
You want to call him. You don’t understand your old feelings anymore. Which is weird but it feels good in another way, cuz you didn’t like yourself for the last two months. Your paintings were all dark and messy, without much sense even to your eyes. You only knew you painted what you felt.  
  
And now you wish you’d paint something bright and lively. Not as obscure as it’s been recently, you’ve had enough of that.  
  
Perhaps it’s time you finally *talk* to him. Frankly. Express your feelings like you’ve always been taught a male should. Don’t blink. Be stern and honest, if you can manage that. Which you think you can.  
  
But.  
  
Would he listen to you? Are there any reasons he should hurt even more and stop to hear what you want to tell him? And what would you tell him, by the way?  
  
“Sorry Orlando, I think I took you for granted and that you’d always be ready to give me a hand when I needed one.”  
  
Right. Quite selfish and nothing to help him forgive you. . . Bravo.  
  
No. You know he hurts. That he closed himself even to the others. The hobbits came to threaten you not so long ago. Fucking do something. Anything.  
  
Anything? A scotch or two sounds good.  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
Surprisingly enough, I understand you. I can see what your motives were and what your background was. Compared to you, I haven’t yet lived, Sean. I am more than aware of that and I wish I could tell you so. Make you understand.  
  
I feel you’ve already set your mind about the fact that I wouldn’t give a shit about you anymore. You’re wrong. I care, too fucking much, even. I wish. . . I wish things would be different. That you would have talked to me instead of acting like you did. But we can’t change the past, so I guess we’ll have to take matters into our own hands.  
  
I wish I would dare kiss you. Right here, right now.  
  
There’s no light in your eyes anymore and I want to see it back. If I’d kiss you, would I dare hope to see it again, sparkling within the green?  
  
I kiss you, as soberly, platonically, seriously as possible. To let you know. What I feel, what I want, what I wish.  
  
You don’t say a word, but you don’t push me away nor do you yell at me.  
  
But you don’t take me in your arms either. Did I do something wrong? I haven’t spoken at all, just liked you asked, which doesn’t mean my brain didn’t record everything you said, all that happened.  
  
I guess I better go. You still have some things to sort out, don’t you? I feel heavy. But I understand, I think. You’ll know where to find me, if needed, anyway. It’s not as though we’re not working together most of the time.  
  
  
“Elijah. . . wait please.”  
  
Of course I’ll wait. I’ve already waited two months, have you forgotten? But your eyes, bloodshot, remind me that you haven’t. You have regrets, remorse. It’s all right, you know. I have my share of things to bear too.  
  
Let’s call it even. . . Deal?  
  
The light is coming back. I can see the mirth spreading around your face and the wrinkles around your eyes. Which are caused by only one thing: you’re smiling.  
  
Is it an understatement to say that I smile as well? All I’ll pray for from now on is that Orlando and Viggo will be able to settle things somehow.  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
Hey there, it’s me. Can you pick up the phone, please?  
  
  
Well, I guess I’ll say it to the machine then. All I hope for is that you’ll listen to the whole thing, okay, mate? That’s all I ask of you. Listen to the whole thing.  
  
If I’d say ‘I’m sorry’ you wouldn’t believe me, and I would have to ask myself why I should be sorry. The only thing I can think of is the fact that we wouldn’t have ended up like this.  
  
You’re too dear to me for that to happen, y’know? I mean, we were fucking friends, Viggo! Friendships don’t break up because of such small things, do they? I truly wish I could’ve helped you that night, but I had problems of my own to settle. You want to know? You’d like to know why I couldn’t go to you?  
  
To make a long story short, if Sean was at your place, then Doodle was at my flat. Deconstructed. Demolished. Helpless. I did the same thing you would have done and I offered him my unconditional support. He needed me and that’s what friends are for.  
  
Would you have denied Bean that, had I called you first?  
  
On the other hand, I don’t think that’s what made you that cold. But perhaps all you needed a was catalyst for your emotional state and I was just unlucky to be there at the wrong moment. But then, why would you have avoided me for so long?  
  
I miss you, Vig, more than anything else. I’m sorry I fucked up, but I couldn’t let Lij go like that. You should understand that. I’m pretty sure you do.  
  
Well. . . that was a long shot, wasn’t it? Thanks if you’re still listening.  
  
I miss you, Viggo, I bloody miss you. And I feel like a git. I should have called before.  
  
  
*~*~*  
  
Ian sports a genuine smile.  
  
Nick is on the set today with him and teases him mercilessly about the beard and the fake nose.  
  
He’s happy.  
  
His co-stars are happy. Sean and Elijah are beaming, looking in each other’s eyes adoringly, at last. Can hardly keep their hands to themselves for the time being.  
  
He saw Viggo cornering Orlando behind their make-up trailer earlier that morning, and kissing him, hard. And he saw Orlando responding to that kiss.  
  
Viggo seems to be recovering from a hangover and shyly tries to make contact with Orlando but won’t look the elf in the eyes. It doesn’t seem to bother Orlando because he sends Ian a 100 watts smile and a thumb up.  
  
Things will come along nicely. He just knows it.  
  
Sooner or later, Orlando will come and tell him what it is that happened, what it is he said. He sees hope flicker in the Yankee’s eyes and Ian knows that things will be fine, and that soon, there will be another happy couple on the set.  
  
Ian sports a genuine smile.  
  
He’s happy.  
  
And then there’s Nick, nibbling wherever he can make contact with Ian’s skin. Not that there is a lot of it, with the prosthetics he’s wearing and the beard and the layers of clothing.  
  
“What are you smiling at, luv?” Nick has felt the smile even from behind Ian, because it’s his whole being that smiles right now.  
  
An honest question which calls for an honest answer. He looks around at the set. He can’t help but smile even more. The best answer Ian could give Nick.  
  
  
  
_~*~ finis ~*~_


End file.
